Popular

Browse Popular Topics

Quotes by Woody Allen


Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
– Woody Allen
A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
– Woody Allen
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
– Woody Allen
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
– Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
– Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
– Woody Allen
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
– Woody Allen
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
– Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
– Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
– Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
– Woody Allen
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen
I am two with nature.
– Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
– Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
– Woody Allen
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot.
– Woody Allen
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
– Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
– Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
– Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
– Woody Allen
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
– Woody Allen
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
– Woody Allen
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
– Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
– Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
– Woody Allen
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
– Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
– Woody Allen
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
– Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
– Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
– Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
– Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
– Woody Allen
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
– Woody Allen
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
– Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
– Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
– Woody Allen
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
– Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
– Woody Allen
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
– Woody Allen
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
– Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
– Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
– Woody Allen
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
– Woody Allen
Marriage is the death of hope.
– Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
– Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
– Woody Allen
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
– Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
– Woody Allen
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
– Woody Allen
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats.
– Woody Allen
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
– Woody Allen
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.
– Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
– Woody Allen
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
– Woody Allen
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
– Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
– Woody Allen
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
– Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
– Woody Allen
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
– Woody Allen
The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
– Woody Allen
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife-a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
– Woody Allen
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
– Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
– Woody Allen
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
– Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
– Woody Allen
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
– Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
– Woody Allen
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
– Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
– Woody Allen
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
– Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
– Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
– Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
– Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
– Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
– Woody Allen
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
– Woody Allen
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
– Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
– Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
– Woody Allen
I am at two with nature.
– Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
– Woody Allen