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Quotes by Andy Rooney


Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
– Andy Rooney
All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
– Andy Rooney
As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
– Andy Rooney
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
– Andy Rooney
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
– Andy Rooney
I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
– Andy Rooney
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
– Andy Rooney
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
– Andy Rooney
It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
– Andy Rooney
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
– Andy Rooney
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
– Andy Rooney
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
– Andy Rooney
Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
– Andy Rooney
Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
– Andy Rooney
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
– Andy Rooney
The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
– Andy Rooney
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
– Andy Rooney
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
– Andy Rooney
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
– Andy Rooney
The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
– Andy Rooney
The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
– Andy Rooney
There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?
– Andy Rooney
We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.
– Andy Rooney
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
– Andy Rooney
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
– Andy Rooney
The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
– Andy Rooney
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
– Andy Rooney
My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.
– Andy Rooney
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
– Andy Rooney
I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
– Andy Rooney
I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.
– Andy Rooney
I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
– Andy Rooney
Death is a distant rumor to the young.
– Andy Rooney
Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
– Andy Rooney
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
– Andy Rooney
A writer's job is to tell the truth.
– Andy Rooney