A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.
– Craig Kilborn
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II'
– Craig Kilborn
As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.
– Craig Kilborn
Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.
– Craig Kilborn
CBS doesn't know what to do about the miniseries called 'The Reagans' that depicts them as a dysfunctional family of drug users and sex fiends. I'm suggesting they just call it the 'Clintons.'
– Craig Kilborn
Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.
– Craig Kilborn
Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.
– Craig Kilborn
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'
– Craig Kilborn
Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.
– Craig Kilborn
George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17.
– Craig Kilborn
Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.
– Craig Kilborn
I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let's wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there.
– Craig Kilborn
In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.
– Craig Kilborn
It was reported that the Clintons plan on selling their home in Chappaqua. There's already a plaque on the couch that says The President Slept Here.
– Craig Kilborn
John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'
– Craig Kilborn
John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.
– Craig Kilborn
New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.
– Craig Kilborn
On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off.
– Craig Kilborn
People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.
– Craig Kilborn
President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.
– Craig Kilborn
Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.
– Craig Kilborn
Singer Boy Dylan was stopped at his own sow by security guards who failed to recognize the singer. Asked to comment, Dylan replied, I can hardly blame them. Look at me.
– Craig Kilborn
Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a do's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.
– Craig Kilborn
The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'
– Craig Kilborn
They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.
– Craig Kilborn
Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'
– Craig Kilborn
I have a wonderful respect for old people.
– Craig Kilborn
However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.