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Quotes by Dave Barry

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
– Dave Barry
A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
– Dave Barry
Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!
– Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
– Dave Barry
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
– Dave Barry
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
– Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
– Dave Barry
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
– Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
– Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
– Dave Barry
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
– Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
– Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today .. and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
– Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
– Dave Barry
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
– Dave Barry
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
– Dave Barry
Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.
– Dave Barry
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements.
– Dave Barry
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
– Dave Barry
DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
– Dave Barry
Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
– Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
– Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
– Dave Barry
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
– Dave Barry
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
– Dave Barry
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
– Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
– Dave Barry
For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare.
– Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
– Dave Barry
Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.
– Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
– Dave Barry
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.
– Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
– Dave Barry
Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a type of weevil.
– Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
– Dave Barry
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.
– Dave Barry
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
– Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
– Dave Barry
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.
– Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
– Dave Barry
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
– Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
– Dave Barry
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
– Dave Barry
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
– Dave Barry
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
– Dave Barry
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.
– Dave Barry
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
– Dave Barry
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
– Dave Barry
I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.
– Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
– Dave Barry
I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.
– Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
– Dave Barry
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.
– Dave Barry
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
– Dave Barry
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
– Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
– Dave Barry
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
– Dave Barry
In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West-the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford-were caused by erosion.
– Dave Barry
In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.
– Dave Barry
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
– Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
– Dave Barry
It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.
– Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
– Dave Barry
It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.
– Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
– Dave Barry
Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
– Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
– Dave Barry
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
– Dave Barry
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
– Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
– Dave Barry
MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz.
– Dave Barry
Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!
– Dave Barry
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.
– Dave Barry
Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the patty group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets-foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.
– Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
– Dave Barry
My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like Heave and Squatting Turnips.
– Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
– Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
– Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
– Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
– Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
– Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
– Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
– Dave Barry
Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
– Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
– Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
– Dave Barry
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
– Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
– Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
– Dave Barry
Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.
– Dave Barry
Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.
– Dave Barry
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.
– Dave Barry
Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several feet by the experience of attending the classic '60's rock concert... where everybody would sit around marinating in an atmosphere that was 1 part oxygen, 4 parts nitrogen and 17 parts doobie vapor.
– Dave Barry
Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.
– Dave Barry
Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
– Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.
– Dave Barry
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.
– Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
– Dave Barry
The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.
– Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
– Dave Barry