Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
– Denis Leary
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
– Denis Leary
I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nuture.
– Denis Leary
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
– Denis Leary
Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swin next time, OK Jerry?
– Denis Leary
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
– Denis Leary
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
– Denis Leary
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
– Denis Leary
The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.
– Denis Leary
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
– Denis Leary
Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
– Denis Leary
You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.
– Denis Leary
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
– Denis Leary
Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it.
– Denis Leary
Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.
– Denis Leary
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
– Denis Leary
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
– Denis Leary
I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?