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Quotes by George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
– George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
– George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
– George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
– George Carlin
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron.
– George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
– George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
– George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
– George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
– George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
– George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
– George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
– George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
– George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
– George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
– George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
– George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
– George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
– George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
– George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
– George Carlin
Think off-center.
– George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
– George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
– George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
– George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
– George Carlin
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that's enough of that.
– George Carlin
I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
– George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
– George Carlin
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
– George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
– George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
– George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
– George Carlin
Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
– George Carlin
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.
– George Carlin
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
– George Carlin
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
– George Carlin
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
– George Carlin
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
– George Carlin
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
– George Carlin
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
– George Carlin
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
– George Carlin
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
– George Carlin
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
– George Carlin
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
– George Carlin
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
– George Carlin
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
– George Carlin
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
– George Carlin
and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
– George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
– George Carlin
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying "Do you want fries with that?"
– George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
– George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
– George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
– George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
– George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
– George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
– George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
– George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
– George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
– George Carlin