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Quotes by Jay Leno

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.
– Jay Leno
A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.
– Jay Leno
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.
– Jay Leno
According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.
– Jay Leno
According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.
– Jay Leno
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
– Jay Leno
After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.
– Jay Leno
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
– Jay Leno
America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!
– Jay Leno
An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.
– Jay Leno
Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That's a comforting thought the next time you're getting ready to get on the roller coaster!
– Jay Leno
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.
– Jay Leno
As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline.
– Jay Leno
At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.
– Jay Leno
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
– Jay Leno
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
– Jay Leno
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
– Jay Leno
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
– Jay Leno
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
– Jay Leno
Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One.
– Jay Leno
Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.
– Jay Leno
Dick Cheney has announced that he has agreed to be Bush's running mate in 2004. Cheney says wants four more years as vice president, but I get the feeling Cheney wants four more years at anything. He said the only thing that could keep him from running is another double bacon cheeseburger.
– Jay Leno
Dick Cheney told reports that he has a new outlook on life. He says the best part of waking up is... waking up! I guess the doctors don't even put stitches in Cheney's chest anymore - they now just use Velcro.
– Jay Leno
Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'
– Jay Leno
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
– Jay Leno
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
– Jay Leno
Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now.
– Jay Leno
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
– Jay Leno
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
– Jay Leno
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
– Jay Leno
George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.
– Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.
– Jay Leno
Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!
– Jay Leno
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
– Jay Leno
I guess today Senator James Jeffords from Vermont left the Republican party, became an independent. Yeah, he said he did it to follow his conscience and his principles. See, that's why he became independent, if you have a conscience and principles, you can't be Republican or Democratic.
– Jay Leno
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?
– Jay Leno
If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'
– Jay Leno
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
– Jay Leno
In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women.
– Jay Leno
In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
– Jay Leno
In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.
– Jay Leno
In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.
– Jay Leno
In just two weeks, Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters.
– Jay Leno
Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
– Jay Leno
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
– Jay Leno
It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay.
– Jay Leno
It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.
– Jay Leno
It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.
– Jay Leno
It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going.
– Jay Leno
John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'
– Jay Leno
John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.
– Jay Leno
Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him.
– Jay Leno
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
– Jay Leno
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
– Jay Leno
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
– Jay Leno
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
– Jay Leno
NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
– Jay Leno
Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.
– Jay Leno
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
– Jay Leno
Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.
– Jay Leno
Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.
– Jay Leno
Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isn't as smart as his dad.
– Jay Leno
On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73.
– Jay Leno
One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions.
– Jay Leno
Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies.
– Jay Leno
Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.
– Jay Leno
President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go.
– Jay Leno
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
– Jay Leno
President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
– Jay Leno
President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.
– Jay Leno
President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.
– Jay Leno
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.
– Jay Leno
President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
– Jay Leno
President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?
– Jay Leno
President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?
– Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.
– Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there.
– Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?
– Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves.
– Jay Leno
Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it's started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.
– Jay Leno
Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!
– Jay Leno
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing.
– Jay Leno
Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.
– Jay Leno
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.
– Jay Leno
Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bush's poll numbers drop.
– Jay Leno
The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.
– Jay Leno
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
– Jay Leno
The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.
– Jay Leno
The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes.
– Jay Leno
The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?
– Jay Leno
The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way - it's Operation George Gone Wild.
– Jay Leno
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
– Jay Leno
The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem.
– Jay Leno
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad.You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
– Jay Leno
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
– Jay Leno
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
– Jay Leno
There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad.
– Jay Leno
There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.
– Jay Leno
There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He's in Mexico campaigning with the very people who'll be living here by election time.
– Jay Leno
They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!
– Jay Leno