A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
– Jay London
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
– Jay London
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
– Jay London
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
– Jay London
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
– Jay London
Do you know it was a year a ago today?
– Jay London
Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?
– Jay London
How do you like my overall look?
– Jay London
I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
– Jay London
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
– Jay London
I get all my hair products at PetCo.
– Jay London
I had a very lonely New Year's this year, I had to watch my own balls drop.
– Jay London
I model irregular clothing.
– Jay London
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
– Jay London
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
– Jay London
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
– Jay London
I saw a stationery store move.
– Jay London
I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed? She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
– Jay London
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
– Jay London
I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.
– Jay London
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
– Jay London
I was born nine months premature.
– Jay London
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
– Jay London
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
– Jay London
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
– Jay London
I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
– Jay London
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
– Jay London
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
– Jay London
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
– Jay London
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
– Jay London
I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where is the Bath section I say 'It's Beyond Me'.
– Jay London
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
– Jay London
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
– Jay London
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
– Jay London
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
– Jay London
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
– Jay London
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
– Jay London
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
– Jay London
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
– Jay London
People read me but they don't subscribe.
– Jay London
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
– Jay London
Virgo, and a real Virgo. Nit picky, cranky, cantankerous, fidgety, neurotic. All of the above, but that's good.
– Jay London
You know what burns me? Matches.
– Jay London
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.