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Quotes by Joan Rivers

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
– Joan Rivers
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
– Joan Rivers
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
– Joan Rivers
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
– Joan Rivers
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
– Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
– Joan Rivers
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
– Joan Rivers
He who limps is still walking.
– Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
– Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
– Joan Rivers
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
– Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
– Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the hell off my property.
– Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
– Joan Rivers
If we study the lives of great men and women carefully and unemotionally we find that, invariably, greatness was developed, tested and revealed through the darker periods of their lives. One of the largest tributaries of the RIVER OF GREATNESS is always the STREAM OF ADVERSITY.
– Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
– Joan Rivers
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
– Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
– Joan Rivers
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
– Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
– Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
– Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger.
– Joan Rivers
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
– Joan Rivers
Once you begin to believe there is help out there, you will know it to be true.
– Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
– Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
– Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
– Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
– Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
– Joan Rivers
Where there is a will there is a way. is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
– Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
– Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
– Joan Rivers
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
– Joan Rivers
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
– Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
– Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
– Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
– Joan Rivers
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
– Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
– Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
– Joan Rivers
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
– Joan Rivers
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
– Joan Rivers