He's so ugly he should have to wear an oxygen mask.
– Mickey Rivers
He's so ugly. When you walked by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul.
– Mickey Rivers
I don't get upset over things I can control, because if I can control them there's no sense in getting upset. And I don't get upset over things I can't control, because if I can't control them there's no sense in getting upset.
– Mickey Rivers
I felt alone out there, like I was on a desert island. I felt like Gilligan.
– Mickey Rivers
I was eating too well and getting too much rest. I take my old lady dancing every night now. Doin' the bump keeps your legs in shape.
– Mickey Rivers
I'm going to double my limit.
– Mickey Rivers
I've been doing my two and a half miles every day and I've gained two pounds. My stomach is getting smaller but my butt's getting bigger.
– Mickey Rivers
It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.
– Mickey Rivers
Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.
– Mickey Rivers
My goals are to hit .300, score 100 runs, and stay injury-prone.
– Mickey Rivers
No wonder you're all mixed up. You got a white man's first name, a Spanish man's second name and a black man's third name.
– Mickey Rivers
Pitching is 80% of the game and the other half is hitting and fielding.
– Mickey Rivers
The first thing you do when you get out to center field is put up your finger and check the wind chill factor.
– Mickey Rivers
The wind was blowin' about 100 degrees.
– Mickey Rivers
These guys are so old they're eligible for meals on wheels.
– Mickey Rivers
We'll do all right if we can capitalize on our mistakes.
– Mickey Rivers
What was the name of that dog on 'Rin Tin Tin'?
– Mickey Rivers
You'd better stop readin' and writin' and start hittin'!