A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
– Milton Berle
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, Who Should we notify in case of an accident? He mulls it over and then writes, Anybody in sight!.
– Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
– Milton Berle
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
– Milton Berle
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
– Milton Berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
– Milton Berle
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
– Milton Berle
Laughter is an instant vacation.
– Milton Berle
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
– Milton Berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
– Milton Berle
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
– Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.