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Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
– Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
– Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
– Mitch Hedberg
You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
– Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
– Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
– Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
– Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
– Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
– Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
– Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
– Mitch Hedberg
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
– Mitch Hedberg
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
– Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
– Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
– Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
– Mitch Hedberg
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
– Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
– Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
– Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
– Mitch Hedberg
I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum… and I was still worried.
– Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
– Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
– Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
– Mitch Hedberg
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
– Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
– Mitch Hedberg