Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
– Paula Poundstone
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
– Paula Poundstone
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
– Paula Poundstone
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
– Paula Poundstone
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
– Paula Poundstone
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
– Paula Poundstone
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
– Paula Poundstone
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
– Paula Poundstone
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
– Paula Poundstone
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
– Paula Poundstone
I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.