Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
– Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
– Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
– Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
– Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
– Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
– Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
– Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
– Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
– Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
– Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
– Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
– Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
– Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
– Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
– Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
– Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
– Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
– Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
– Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
– Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
– Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
– Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.