I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
– Rita Rudner
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
– Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
– Rita Rudner
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
– Rita Rudner
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
– Rita Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
– Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
– Rita Rudner
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
– Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
– Rita Rudner
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
– Rita Rudner
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, Look, it's always gonna be me!
– Rita Rudner
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
– Rita Rudner
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
– Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
– Rita Rudner
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
– Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
– Rita Rudner
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
– Rita Rudner
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
– Rita Rudner
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
– Rita Rudner
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
– Rita Rudner
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
– Rita Rudner
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
– Rita Rudner
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
– Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
– Rita Rudner
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
– Rita Rudner
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
– Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
– Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
– Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
– Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
– Rita Rudner
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
– Rita Rudner
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.