An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.
– Tom Lehrer
Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
– Tom Lehrer
Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
– Tom Lehrer
Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
– Tom Lehrer
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your .
– Tom Lehrer
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
– Tom Lehrer
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up!
– Tom Lehrer
In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'
– Tom Lehrer
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.
– Tom Lehrer
Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.
– Tom Lehrer
Think as you work, for in the final analysis, your worth to your company comes not only in solving problems, but also in anticipating them.
– Tom Lehrer
When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.
– Tom Lehrer
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
– Tom Lehrer
On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
– Tom Lehrer
Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.
– Tom Lehrer
My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun.