Popular

Browse Popular Topics

Quotes by Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
– Tommy Cooper
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
– Tommy Cooper
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
– Tommy Cooper
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.
– Tommy Cooper
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
– Tommy Cooper
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
– Tommy Cooper
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
– Tommy Cooper
I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'
– Tommy Cooper
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
– Tommy Cooper
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
– Tommy Cooper
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
– Tommy Cooper
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, You'll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
– Tommy Cooper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
– Tommy Cooper
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
– Tommy Cooper
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
– Tommy Cooper
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.
– Tommy Cooper
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
– Tommy Cooper
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, What appears to be the problem? I said, I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away. He said, How can I help? I said: break my arms.
– Tommy Cooper
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
– Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
– Tommy Cooper
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
– Tommy Cooper