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It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
– W. Somerset Maugham
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
– Fred Allen
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
– Fred Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
– Woody Allen
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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
– Woody Allen
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
– Woody Allen
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
– Woody Allen
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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
– Saint Augustine
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I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
– Lucille Ball
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
– Dave Barry
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
– Dave Barry
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There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
– Jean Baudrillard
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
– Robert Benchley
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Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
– Robert Benchley
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Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
– Robert Benchley
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
– Milton Berle
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
– Milton Berle
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
– Yogi Berra
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I never said most of the things I said.
– Yogi Berra
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There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
– Lewis Black
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I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be?
– Orlando Bloom
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
– Erma Bombeck
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
– Erma Bombeck
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Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
– Elayne Boosler
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
– Elayne Boosler
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
– Elayne Boosler
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When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
– Elayne Boosler
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Communism is like one big phone company.
– Lenny Bruce
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Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
– Lenny Bruce
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It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
– Craig Bruce
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It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.
– Craig Bruce
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I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
– Warren Buffett
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Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Luis Bunuel
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
– George Burns
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If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
– George Burns
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Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
– George Burns
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
– George Burns
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Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
– Samuel Butler
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A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
– David Brenner
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Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Billie Burke
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Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
– Robert Byrne
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
– George Carlin
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Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.
– Tucker Carlson
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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
– Johnny Carson
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
– Johnny Carson
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
– Alexander Chase
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It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.
– G. K. Chesterton
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The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
– Arthur C. Clarke
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I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
– Hillary Clinton
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If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
– Hillary Clinton
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I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
– Calvin Coolidge
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
– Bill Cosby
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
– Noel Coward
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
– Rodney Dangerfield
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I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
– Bette Davis
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I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.
– Jonathan Davis
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
– Les Dawson
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I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
– Ellen DeGeneres
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
– Ellen DeGeneres
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My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
– Angie Dickinson
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
– Phyllis Diller
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
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They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood
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When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.
– Shirin Ebadi
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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
– Albert Einstein
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All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.
– Will Ferrell
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I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
– Will Ferrell
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
– W. C. Fields
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I like children - fried.
– W. C. Fields
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
– Bill Gates
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From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
– Theodor Geisel
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
– Samuel Goldwyn
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The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
– Al Gore
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I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.
– Janeane Garofalo
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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
– Buddy Hackett
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
– Mitch Hedberg
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
– Mitch Hedberg
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
– Mitch Hedberg
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man s: She changes it more often.
– Oliver Herford
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If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
– Bob Hope
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Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
– Victor Hugo
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If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants and entourage, it's funny to see what happens.
– Daryl Hall
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You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
– Ken Kesey
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Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
– Henry A. Kissinger
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– Henry A. Kissinger
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It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible.
– Johnny Knoxville
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Polite conversation is rarely either.
– Fran Lebowitz
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
– Jay Leno
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
– David Letterman
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
– Oscar Levant
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
– Joe E. Lewis
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
– Joe E. Lewis
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