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Funny Quotes

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
– Richard Lewis
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It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
– Jay London
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My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
– Jay London
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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
– Hedy Lamarr
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Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.
– Lucy Liu
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
– Bill Maher
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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
– Imelda Marcos
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A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
– Don Marquis
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Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
– Don Marquis
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Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
– Steve Martin
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
– Steve Martin
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
– Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
– Groucho Marx
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
– Margaret Mead
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I rant, therefore I am.
– Dennis Miller
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There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
– Dennis Miller
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
– Spike Milligan
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
– Spike Milligan
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
– Spike Milligan
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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
– Spike Milligan
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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
– P. J. O'Rourke
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
– P. J. O'Rourke
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
– P. J. O'Rourke
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The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
– David M. Ogilvy
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Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
– George Orwell
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It's funny that all these goths paint their faces with such white make-up and that is the actual colour of my skin, I am that pale!
– Kelly Osbourne
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It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.
– Satchel Paige
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A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
– Laurence J. Peter
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If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
– Laurence J. Peter
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Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
– Laurence J. Peter
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
– Emo Philips
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
– Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
– Emo Philips
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In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.
– Rosie Perez
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I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius.
– Amy Poehler
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I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side.
– Parker Posey
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
– Paula Poundstone
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Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
– Ronald Reagan
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Joan Rivers
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Never floss with a stranger.
– Joan Rivers
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It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it.
– Julia Roberts
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers
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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
– Will Rogers
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I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
– Will Rogers
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If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
– Will Rogers
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I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
– David Lee Roth
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
– Rita Rudner
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
– Rita Rudner
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The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
– Bertrand Russell
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Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
– Don Rickles
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It's a funny old world.
– Margaret Thatcher
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Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
– James Thurber
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I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid.
– Uma Thurman
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
– Mark Twain
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
– Mark Twain
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain
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The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
– Voltaire
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Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
– William Arthur Ward
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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
– Mae West
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It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
– Mae West
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Be obscure clearly.
– E. B. White
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Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
– E. B. White
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I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
– Walt Whitman
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If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
– Robin Williams
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Funny is an attitude.
– Flip Wilson
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Especially with a comedy, you've got the clear cut goal of trying to make a scene funny. It's not like drama where you're trying to achieve some kind of emotion or trying to further the story along. You're trying to figure out what's the funniest way to do something.
– Luke Wilson
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright
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We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.
– David Walliams
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If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.
– Henny Youngman
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Every man has his follies -- and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
– Josh Billings
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You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
– Mitch Hedberg
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Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
– Robert Orben
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
– Emo Phillips
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I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
– Carl Sandburg
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
– Jerry Seinfeld
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People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
– Logan Pearsall Smith
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You're only as good as your last haircut.
– Fran Lebowitz
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You need to be silly to be funny.
– William Shatner
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You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.
– Steve Irwin
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You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.
– Colin Quinn
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You know, if I started worrying about what the critics think, I'd never make another comedy. You couldn't pick a less funny group than critics - you couldn't find a more bitter group of people!
– Todd Phillips
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You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.
– Fiona Apple
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You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.
– Eminem
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You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great.
– Jamie Foxx
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You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.
– Harry Connick, Jr.
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You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.
– Donald Trump
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You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
– Rush Limbaugh
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You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
– Colin Quinn
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You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.
– Lily Tomlin
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You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
– Larry David
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You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain.
– Terry Bradshaw
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You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.
– Denis Leary
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You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
– Colin Quinn
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You can't be funny for funny's sake. You try to get as outrageous situation as you can but it always has to be believable and based in real character motivations and what people would really do.
– Hank Azaria
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You can't be funny if you don't have good material.
– Matt LeBlanc
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You can go to a play that is enjoyable because it's funny, and then on the next night you can go to a play that's enjoyable because it's 'disturbing.'
– Wallace Shawn
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Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that's all you've got, you're dead in the water. It's not good.
– Howard Stern
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Working with Chaplin was very amusing and strange. His films are so funny, but working with him, I found him to be a very serious man. Whereas the films of Hitchcock are macabre, he could be a very funny man to work with, always telling jokes and holding court. Of course, when I worked with Charlie he was getting older.
– Tippi Hedren
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Women's humor seems to be a little more supportive. It's just kind of trying to make the other one laugh through funny voices and kind of talking about other people. I respond to that. I feel less like I'm going to get beat up in a room full of women than I do in a room full of guys.
– Paul Feig
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